Last year, I had the opportunity to present for Community Boards, a wonderful organization in San Francisco focused on helping people resolve disputes. I presented on intimate partner violence and mediation: how professional biases favoring agreement can interfere with providing appropriate and safe conflict resolution services; offered examples of appropriate screening methods and tools to identify cases that may not be appropriate for mediation; and discussed ways to provide mediation services when parties want to move forward even though there is a history of power and control that can make mediation very difficult or even dangerous. A few days before the training, I met someone who had just gone through a divorce with the help of a mediator. Although domestic violence hadn’t been an issue, there were clearly some power and control dynamics at play in the relationship that showed up in the mediation process. We discussed how a good family transition process involving mediation (or coaching) not only can result in a workable agreement good enough for both parties, but perhaps more importantly, allows both parties to feel as though they have been heard. To that end, the mediator’s role in balancing power is one of the most important elements of the mediation process and one of the most challenging. By setting conditions for joint (or separate sessions), co-mediating, including attorneys or other supportive individuals, or utilizing coaches to help each party think through what they need and what they can live with, mediators can help people struggling with conflict develop a sense of personal (and possibly shared) power rather than power over another. However, in some cases where the risk of meeting together or negotiating is high, mediation may not be appropriate at all. From my perspective, when attempting to address or resolve conflict, success can be measured in a variety of ways and should not be limited to whether parties can meet together or an agreement was reached on all issues. Other indicators of positive outcomes might include getting help with referrals for safety planning and other appropriate services or leaving an individual consultation recognizing that coaching or attorney advocacy is the best way to effectively resolve differences. Today’s families are diverse. I believe they have every reason to expect that a range of conflict resolution approaches will be available that can be crafted to their particular situation, always with a commitment to respect and safety being at the center of the process.
